🔔 New alert: “Your dashboard is now screaming.”
You’ve heard of metrics that matter. These are metrics that damn you. hellometrics
📉 – How fast your will to live is declining 📊 Churn & Burn – Customer + employee retention (spoiler: both are on fire) 👹 Souls Lost – Unread Slack messages after 6 PM ⏳ Time to Inferno – Minutes until the next pointless all-hands 📧 Demons in Inbox – Unresolved tickets older than your last vacation 🔔 New alert: “Your dashboard is now screaming