In a house of women, words are abundant. Too abundant. Debates about which Real Housewife is the most toxic can last three hours. I have learned that a single, well-timed sigh from the couch speaks volumes. It says, “I am here. I support you. Please stop yelling about Lisa Rinna.”
I am the dog of this house.
When one of them says, “Good job taking out the recycling,” my entire week is made. I literally wag my metaphorical tail. I once fixed a leaky faucet, and they gave me a standing ovation. I nearly cried. A man living alone would get zero applause for basic plumbing. But in this house? Every small act of usefulness is met with the kind of praise usually reserved for Olympic gold medals. i became the dog in an all female household
The cats are the women. They are elegant, independent, and territorial. They take long baths, leave cryptic sticky notes on the fridge (“Who finished the hummus? 👀”), and can go silent for hours while radiating judgment. I, on the other hand, am the dog. In a house of women, words are abundant
The living room has changed colors four times in six months. There are throw pillows that serve no function. A tapestry of a moon phases chart. A plant named Gerald that gets more texts than I do. When they ask, “What do you think of the new rug?” I say, “It’s nice.” Because the correct answer is always “It’s nice.” My actual opinion— it’s beige, just like the last one —does not matter. I am here to provide warmth and occasional comic relief, not interior design critique. I have learned that a single, well-timed sigh
When a strange noise came from the alley at 2 AM, I grabbed a flashlight and went outside. I am the pseudo-man of the house. I check the locks. I kill the spiders (via relocation, because they won’t let me kill them). But I also know that if I left for a week, they’d survive just fine. They’d probably reorganize the pantry and forget to tell me. I am the dog: loyal, useful, but ultimately not running the pack.
Whenever someone comes home, I hear the key in the lock and I launch off the couch. Not because I’m lonely, but because it is my sacred duty to welcome them. “How was work?” I ask. “Traffic sucked,” they reply, already walking past me. I follow them to the kitchen anyway. I am never the one being welcomed. I am the welcome mat with legs.